Thin Air, High Hope

Today marks 34 years of walking with God.

I was not raised in a very religious home. My earliest church memories are of hiding under buffet tables at our local church and sneaking styrofoam cups of coffee during potlucks (what can I say, I have ALWAYS loved coffee!).

As I got a little older, I started to pick up on other messages around religion. I remember hearing once that another church in our small town did not want our family there. Another time, when I stubbed my toe, someone told me it was probably God punishing me for something I had done wrong.

Those memories more or less summarize my experience with anything related to God or religion as a child. All of it left me with the sense that God, if He was real at all, was distant. He seemed meant for other people, not for me.

By the time I was a young teen, I was a bit on the wild side. I can look back now and see how that may have made some of my Christian peers unsure of what to do with me. One found out I was not a Christian and told me he could not talk to someone like me. Now, I can see he was just a kid who didn’t understand the impact of his words, but back then, it shaped my understanding of God. At the time, it confirmed what I already felt, that God was probably not interested in someone like me.

Everything changed when I sat down one day, opened a Bible and began reading. What I found there shook me. The words were honest and inviting. It spoke to my fears and failures but also offered real answers and freedom. I began to realize that Jesus’ life and death were not legends or moral stories, but something true and personal, something that required a response.

However, even after choosing to follow Christ wholeheartedly, faith has never felt simple. I think ALOT. I question a lot (too much?). I wrestle with doubts daily. Some questions have answers now, and others I am still waiting on. And as I grow older, the things I feel certain about in my own life have become fewer.

I find myself less and less certain of the “right” way to do things. I often wrestle with how to…
• Let go as a parent, but also know when to step in…
• Do good without slipping into legalism…
• Handle strained relationships with wisdom and healthy boundaries…
• Be outspoken but not overspeak…
• Serve sacrificially without burning out…
• Be vulnerable but not overwhelm…
• Be confident but stay humble…
• Act wisely but not become overly cautious…

And this is just the beginning! I could honestly go on and on…(anyone relate??)

And yet, in the middle of all this uncertainty, my certainty about who God has somehow grown. Over the years, as He has shown up again and again, the truths about His character have only become more solid.

Over the years, I have found this God of Jesus to be…

Patient and faithful.
I look back over decades of wandering, distraction, questions, apathy, overthinking and exhaustion. Through every season, He has remained.
Guiding.
Protecting.
Teaching.
Refining.

Kind.
I feel His kindness in the warmth of sunshine on my back.
In an unexpected card from a friend on a discouraging day.
In the rain He gives the whole world and the stars that fill the night.
He is kind by nature, and His kindness finds its way into the smallest details of life.

Long-suffering.
He does not give up.
If this relationship depended on what I offered Him, He would have walked away a long time ago. But He stays because that is who He is.

Present.
Even in moments that have felt hollow, filled with sadness, doubt or despair, I can look back and see that He was there. Answering. Working. Holding me in ways I could not understand at the time. He has never disappointed.

Safe.
People are often complex and confusing. The world is often violent and unpredictable. God alone can hold the full weight of our anger, grief, fear and joy. Because He can hold it, I can lay everything down safely again and again.

Wise.
His wisdom never diminishes human dignity. Instead, it reveals the dignity our culture often forgets. Scripture, history and so many lived moments all point to a God whose ways are beyond comprehension and deeply good.

He hears. He sees. He responds.
He is not detached or indifferent.

He cares.
He draws near.
He may seem silent, but over time He shows that He has been at work all along (I have stories if you’d like to hear them!).

He is not always understandable, and that is only right.
If He were fully understandable, He would be something of my own creation. He is far more.

He is powerful.
He hates injustice.
He will make things right.
And somehow, He invites us to join Him. It is like a toddler helping in the kitchen. The value is not in what the toddler brings, but in the joy of being together as teacher and learner, parent and child.

For many years, I believed the Holy Spirit needed me to obey enough or try hard enough to earn His help. I have learned it is more like that scene in the kitchen. God lets me stir the chocolate chips or pour in the salt, even though the meal does not depend on me at all. I get to be part of something beautiful that I could never create or ruin. The Spirit helps because that is His nature, not because I manage to be impressive.

Prayer has become less about asking and more about relationship.
Safety.
Perspective.
Comfort.
Presence.
It is not always pretty, but it is always honest.

God is gentle.
God is beautiful.
God is loving with a love that sees every part of me and does not turn away.

He is an artist filled with joy.
Colors, seasons, people, animals, music, poetry, flavors, landscapes.
All of them are part of His delight. There is too much humor in nature to deny this.

And God grieves.
He grieves pain, death, injustice and destruction.
He does not look away.

That I am able to call Him “my” God is still astonishing.
He is personal.
He is near.

I have made so many many mistakes. As I grow older, the mistakes are less obvious and more internal, the kind that reveal the state of my heart. But none of this has surprised Him. When He found me all those years ago, He already knew exactly who I was and who I would become. He knew the ups, downs, detours, failures and restorations. He knows the ones to come.

After 34 years, I can say one thing without hesitation.
I have never regretted this decision.
Not once.

I may be uncertain about many things, but God is not one of them. He has shown Himself to be everything He promised and more.