Thin Air, High Hope

Last week I was invited into two new roles of responsibility.

These felt like answered prayers. I’ve been starting to question the decision to go back to school. Is it indulgent, especially in this season of my life, to be pursuing this degree? Will I even be able to use it to help others the way I hope? And so, I’ve been tossing out little prayers for a sign here or there, some sort of, “yes…this is what you should be doing right now” kind of validation.

So when these roles came along, directly related to my coursework, my first reaction was gratitude.

And then…my second reaction was a slow spiral into complete self-doubt.

About 24 hours after I received the news, I found myself feeling deeply discouraged. The thoughts came swarming in:
– What if I can’t do this?
– I haven’t done great in the past (list of past shortcomings here).
– I haven’t heard from them since the notice. I bet they changed their mind.
– They’ve changed their mind but don’t know how to tell me.
– Who am I to think I can even try something like this?
– Why am I even trying this?
– Why can’t I just accept living simply? (referring to learning here)
– Why do I care so much?

As you can probably guess, it’s been a rough mental battle for a few days.

Then, this morning, I opened my email and found an essay from a site called “A Non-Anxious Life.” In the email, the author wrote, “I’m learning, day by day, to become a more courageous, non-anxious presence in the world. Not because I’ve got it all together, but because I have a loving, courageous, non-anxious Presence within me to draw upon. And so do you.”

It’s funny how things can speak so directly to your heart sometimes. How did he know my thoughts?? What stood out to me most was the phrase, “a courageous, non-anxious presence in the world….” And I remembered.

First, I remembered Who is with me. At the end of the day, failure or success, stammering or eloquent, I can rest in His presence. Fully accepted, flaws and all. He is not anxious or fearful. And no matter how much I mess up, I can’t ruin His plans.

Then I remembered who I want to be in response.

I remembered that I will not do things perfectly. I remembered that my skill set may fall short at times, and I may actually disappoint people (and not just in my head). But none of those need to change who I am. I can choose, in failure, in shortcomings, in lack of knowledge, or while learning hard things, to be a courageous, non-anxious presence. And it seems like this might be what our world needs more than anything. Not a perfect performer, or someone who always has the right answer. Not someone who knows exactly how to show up and exactly how to act. The world needs courageous, even if clumsy, people who live in a space of peace and acceptance, first for themselves, and then for others.

I desperately needed this reminder this morning. I’m not sure the self-doubt has vanished entirely (who am I kidding! It’s like an overstayed house guest!), but even in the midst of weak confidence, I can choose to be courageous and at peace. I can make this choice knowing I have a safe space to return to over and over again, in failure or success, and that who I choose to be through it all is far more valuable than my perfect performance

P.S. I had to laugh. As Grammarly offered to edit my paper, the first question it asked was, “Want to sound more confident?” No, Grammarly. No I don’t. 🙂